From a Homeschool Victim Who Obviously Survived

Disclaimer: This post is not meant to discredit real abuse. Real abuse happens within all walks of life. It does need to be addressed and dealt with - with punishment for the offender and healing for the very real victim. But this post is a satire about a life that often seems hard and unfair. What child does not think life is unfair at times?

Six years have passed since I graduated from what I have been trained to call formal education. I was taught that education was about more than the books and grades, so we called our curriculum, our scheduled learning, “formal education”. It is all documented in those records we kept, just in case anyone accused us of not doing real school.

It took me most of the last six years to really understand what was done to me during those years of “home schooling“. Firstly, and most importantly, I was never allowed to stop learning. How cruel is that? I was never allowed to shut the book, drop the pencil, pack it up and go home because I’d served my time for the day. We, my siblings and I, were “encouraged” to be always learning, to find the “why” for everything. Even now as an adult, my mind seeks out reason for everything.

That said, when it was decent weather, we were forced outside. We had to go find leaves or bugs for a unit study, (what’s up with “home schooling” and unit studies? As if everything is connected… gah.) Oh, and if the old lady who lived up the street needed help carrying in her groceries, we were forced to stop doing math and go help her. Math! We stopped math class to help people.

One of the very worst things about “home schooling” was the socialization. Surprisingly enough. Most people assume because “home schoolers” school at home there isn’t any opportunity to interact with other people. I wish that were true.

You see, I’m an introvert. I HATE talking to new people, I HATE HATE HATE speaking in front of a crowd. I loath the thought of small talk. But when you homeschool you have to interact with everybody, your family, the other families in your co-op, the people at soccer practice, your voice teacher, your piano teacher, the people at the gym and Wal-Mart; you are almost always surrounded by people of varying ages and ethnicities.

My Mom was a special kind of cruel, you see, she MADE me take public speaking, knowing I hated it! She signed me up for speech classes and public speaking competitions. Do you know what that did to me as an adult? It removed every excuse my introverted-self had for shying away from leadership responsibilities in business, in charity work, even in sports. Now when the need arises for a speaker, for a leader, my training, my conditioning kicks in and because I’m able, it’s expected that I contribute.

Homeschooling forced me to become a well rounded and thoughtful adult. It stole from me the typical teen experiences. I was never bullied, which from what I’ve gathered is a character building experience. I never had the opportunity to spend hours (weeks, months, years) crushing on a guy I’d never really end up with. I never had the chance to get caught up in high school drama or participate in trivial gossip like a normal girl. Instead my time was spent taking care of people, of learning practical boring things like cooking and quilting. So now as an adult I can feed you and keep you warm, but I’m a little awkward around shallow people.

I have my mother to thank for every twang of guilt when I don’t do a job completely, I mean, who does everything completely anyway?

I have no idea how I survived the mental trauma of being raised by two people who honestly thought it best for me to pursue a few deep relationships versus having a ton of friends. Like, totally not cool.

We had “free time” in the afternoons. I remember being kinda lost during that time. We could go do whatever we wanted. How does anyone think that is healthy? Shouldn’t kids be micro managed? I mean, do you have any idea the mischief we got into? We built ti-pis in the woods (where we could have gotten bit by a tick and contracted Lyme disease!) and rode our bikes without helmets.

We were forced to work. Physically. This is a dark part of my sordid tale. We were forced to help with family business. When the family catered an event, we kids were right there, cutting vegetables and washing dishes. When my father needed an extra hand on a home improvement job we were there to hand him tools, load and unload the truck, sweep floors, etc… see physical work I tell ya!

Sure, I learned a lot and by the time I applied for my first job. I was hired the next day because my resume (which learning how to write a resume was a mandatory part of high school) looked fantastic. But what my resume doesn’t tell you is that my parents saw through every detail of my work. They started me on chores when I was tall enough to reach the sink, with the help of a stool. As a 6 year old I had to do extra chores for any sort of extra cash. Allowance? Oh no, we were told that, “you work, you eat”. I don’t know where they found such capitalistic propaganda. I don’t care that that is how the real world operates, I was just a kid. I would rather have thought that everything would come to me because I was special and unique. I think I could have coped with the harsh realities of life if I had been sheltered from them till I was an adult.

Oh, and I never go to eat cafeteria food. Ever. I had to eat things like salads and homemade bread with strawberry preserves. To this day I’m a food snob and it’s “home schooling” to blame.

So what does a “home school” survivor look like? In my case it looks like a 23 year old with a plan to build a cooking school for kids who age out of foster care. It looks like a girl who loves her parents, who finds her worth in Christ, not fashion or fads and whose best friend is her sister. It looks like a girl who shows up early and stays late for both of her jobs. It looks like a young adult who doesn’t disdain authority. It looks like a happy, healthy, hard working, humorous, semi-normal woman. Which, I guess isn’t so terrible.

Written by Olivia Brodock, author of No More Wasted Years, and is a chef, peer counselor and board member at a local crisis pregnancy center, writer, missionary and visionary. She lives on beautiful Straight Mountain in North Alabama, where she attempts to carry out the Great Commission with her family.

Are We Deceiving the Children?

Where did we get this concept that summers are a time of living carefree? You know, those lazy, hazy days of summer?

These long days of summer are to be enjoyed, but this mentality of 3 months of doing nothing but fun in the sun is wrong.

Summers should actually be our busiest time. This is the time to sow, weed, water and harvest.

Back in the agricultural days kids took a break from “school” to be able to help work the family fields and farms. They understood the work that it took to keep everyone alive.

Now do I think we should all be farmers? NO!

Do I want to be a farmer? Not necessarily.

Am I against vacations and celebrations? NO!

Do I think children should work long hard days like an adult? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

What I am against is deceiving children into thinking that childhood is all about frolicking from one child centered activity to another. That summers are all about being at the pool or laying for hours in front of a screen becoming brain-numb.

During this break from the usual school routine we should be giving them opportunities to grow in areas of new skills and responsibilities.

Depending on their maturity, by the age of 14-15 they should be working some sort of summer job, even if it is for a family member.

If it’s not possible for a summer job they should be learning some skills to help them become knowledgeable adults. Let them spend some time with someone who is good with a hammer, or small engine repair, or someone who is exceptionally good at cooking or photography… the list is endless. Think of skills that could make them money as they grow older.

Let them learn how to grow something, even if it is just one thing. Even if they fail at it big time they can learn from their mistakes and do better next time.

This idea that when summer gets here we throw off the shackles of responsibility and REAL LIFE is just crazy.

They have got to understand that they are a very important part of the family. They have to contribute in any way they can. No one feels like a part of the team if they don’t get to play on the field. Let your kids be a team player, on the most important team…. their FAMILY!

Don’t set your kids up for a miserable life dreading the grown up world, dreading the daily grindstone of work. Instilling a bad attitude about life, about work and about purpose is not loving your child. You are setting them up for failure.

Where to Start?

Slowly, from the time they are 2 and 3 years old teach them that responsibility, doing their duty is expected and appreciated. This starts with simple things such as, “Pick up that toy.” Followed by a big smile and applause. Their attitude will most likely reflect your attitude! Here is a list of age appropriate chores.

Every six months or so their responsibility in the home should increase. Teach them how to do more and give them new duties while maintaining the old ones. In time they will improve on their ability to do it efficiently… and correctly.

Ignite the need to know more. Between Pinterest, Google, YouTube, friends, neighbors and family there really isn’t much you can’t learn.

Equip them with knowledge.

Require responsibility and productivity while they are young so when the time comes for them to fly from your nest they will soar high! Don’t be the one responsible for clipping their wings.

Yes, we go to the pool, and the splash pad and other fun summer outings. We also balance those occasional activities with what is needful and wise. Just to save the haters time in writing about what a horrible mother I am.

The Results of Poor Management

Whether it be in business, finances, churches or even the home, if there is poor management it is obvious.

A poorly managed business will lack quality and customer service all while the bottom-line of profits disappear. A poorly run business will eventually go bankrupt.

Good management will reflect in the attitude of the employees, product and profit. It is a business that will grow, meet needs and evolve with changing times.

A poorly managed church will lack harmony and fruit. The members will look to man, programs and their own works to build its membership. There will be constant strife and church splits. Their budgets and people will be exhausted or complacent.

Godly leadership will humbly lead its members in Biblical holiness and not measure growth in numbers or programs, but rather in spiritual fruit and loving their neighbor.

Poorly managed finances will lead to debt, discontentment and chaos. This will almost always lead to relationship problems on every level.

A well managed budget will make the most of every penny to multiply it and use it to serve others while remembering we are stewards of God’s money.

And now the point of this post.

A poorly managed home will lack order, peace, love and beauty.

This will be a home where people want to flee rather than gather, rest or work.
It is usually a home of angry and disconnected people.
It is a home that does not meet the needs of its family or neighbors.

A well managed home is not a place of perfection nor problem free, but rather a place where there is a good manager and love abides.

A well managed home is where people know their duty and are trained to do their duty well. Skills and attitude are important!

A well managed home is where love covers a multitude of sin and grace abounds, while also holding each other accountable.

A well managed home will equip its people to go out and be honest and hard working … doers of good.

A well managed home is a place where its people can come to rest and be recharged. They are recharged and challenged to get up and face the next day’s tasks.

What to know what is really cool?

Homes that are managed well will raise up its people to establish more homes that are well managed…

which will be reflected in the churches…

communities…

and workplace.

It is a glorious and victorious cycle!

It truly does begin at home…

a well managed home.

The problem is, its difficult to manage a home when the heart is divided and we lose sight of what we are commanded to do. (Titus 2:5, 1 Timothy 5:14)

Sometimes it is a heart going astray and being distracted by the promise of wealth or acknowledgment, rarely do these happen in the home. Most Americans don’t truly value a well managed home, if we did more women would take it seriously and train up their children to do the same.

Sometimes it is a lack in training our children or the lack of follow through… don’t expect what you don’t inspect! (Raising my hand on this one.)

Sometimes it is a lack of training in ourselves, whether it be in skills or self-control. Most of us spent our childhood away from home most of the day and were not given proper responsibilities growing up so when we got our own houses we were at a loss of what to do.

Sometimes it is PURE LAZINESS. We don’t want to take the responsibility to manage our home, train the children, be frugal, plan meals, give love, show forgiveness, resolve conflicts, etc…

Good home management is

HARD WORK!

Confession: I become angry when things start to spin out of control in the house. This is when I start to point out where everyone else is failing, where the chores are not being done, where people just seem not to care, I can be a first class martyr.

BUT the reality is… they are failing because I HAVE FAILED, I have failed in my management of the home. This is when the nagging begins. There is no love in nagging and strife.

Ways to Manage Our Homes Better

Clear the Calendar of Clutter

Seriously, this is the most important thing you can do. Get out of everything that is not absolutely necessary. Get out of activities that divide the family on a regular basis. Yes, there are seasons of unexpected crisis, family celebrations (weddings, births, etc…) and short term sports teams, we need to allow flexibility for those kinds of things. But if you spend the majority of your life jumping from one activity to another and neglecting the harmony of the home you are doing more harm than good and you are bringing shame ( blaspheme) on the word of God. (Titus 2:5)

Clear the Home of Clutter

Less is more if you are struggling with orderliness and cleanliness. The less you have to take care of, the more time you will have to keep it orderly. This also frees you up to do more purposeful and even fun things!

Kids do not need a ton of toys. And none of us need closets packed with clothes… keep it simple. Will people remember you for what you wore and the car you drove or will they remember how you loved God and cared for others? Don’t let your stuff be a burden.

Clear the Heart of Clutter

Don’t worry about keeping up with the Jones’ or Pinterest. Find your own style, be productive, serve people. Seek ye first the Kingdom of God.

Get Enlightened, Equipped and Encouraged!

Know Who you are working for, even when no one else notices! Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men. Ephesians 6:7
Know your duty, do your duty.
Read good homemaking books.
Learn organization, shopping and cleaning skills, then teach it to your children.
Make friends with other women who love being homemakers.
Consider your home’s atmosphere as of the family’s oxygen.
Remember your home is just as important as any mission base in any country.

If you are busy managing your home and looking out for the welfare of those God brings to you, you won’t have time to do all the things that rob you of your time, peace, productivity and joy.

~~~~~

“…to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” Titus 2:5

“So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander.” 1 Timothy 5:14

“A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man.” Proverbs 6: 10-11

“She is loud and wayward; her feet do not stay at home…” Proverbs 7:11

Why They Get On My Nerves -Part 2: Child Training

After posting yesterday about why my kids, my husband and the housework get on my nerves, I felt like there needed to be a follow up post about another aspect of this.

This part is mainly about the children, those sweet precious gifts from God, that were also born with a sin nature, just like we were.

These kiddos (just like me) need to be taught and trained, taught what is right and wrong, and then trained to do the right thing, regardless of what they want to do.

Whether it be from laziness or busyness, or maybe even ignorance, many parents will not teach and train their children.

Many will allow their homes to be child centered homes, homes where the children are pacified with TV, computers, music, friends, etc… They require very little out of their children concerning responsibility or conduct. They are happy to keep them busy and out of their hair so they won’t be bothered.

Some child centered homes are homes where parents work themselves to death to make sure Johnny can be all he can be. He has every gadget, is involved in every activity so he can be popular and ‘well rounded’, all while they neglect the importance of HOME life, a life full of responsibility. These children usually grow up with a lousy work ethic and poor stewardship of what has literally been handed to them.

When we don’t train our children concerning responsibilities (house hold chores) and conduct (behavior and manners) it will cause us to become frustrated and impatient with them. They will grow older and get on our nerves because we failed in our responsibility of training.

What are you doing that is more important than teaching and training your children? If you don’t do it, who will? Don’t count on the schools or their peers, don’t even count on your church, it is YOUR job!

We need Christ centered homes. Home that are built on the foundation of the Gospel. Homes were we learn to obey God, live by grace, serve others, work hard and honor parents.

Why They (kids/husband/housework) Get On My Nerves - Part 1

Why They (kids/husband/housework) Get On My Nerves

I’m not sure what it is right now, but the kids are hungry all the time, maybe it’s because it is summer and they are running around more, swimming more or maybe they are all just growing! Sometimes I think they are just bored.

We don’t buy a lot of junk food around here and most of our cooking is from scratch…so that takes time.

This morning I was making waffles for the kids using wholewheat that I ground myself and with blueberries that were just picked by my husband. My hopes were that these waffles would keep them ‘full’ for a while, and I made some extras for them to snack on this afternoon. Making waffles takes time.

I use this pancake recipe for waffles too.

While cleaning up from the waffle mess…because if you cook from scratch there are more things to wash than if you just opened a package and popped them in the toaster… I found myself getting cranky with the kids as my mind raced with other things that I’d rather be doing.

I was pre-occupied with a ladies Bible study that I teach once a month…

and with a new money making project that I am ALMOST finished with…

and with how I am going to design a cake that I am making this weekend for a special occasion for a friend…

and writing a blog post…

and …

Then I realized, through the prompting of the Holy Spirit, that I was becoming impatient with the children because my mind (and my heart) was not fixed on what was my duty… my God given responsibility.

I was becoming frustrated because the waffles..the nutritious, tummy satisfying waffles were taking up the time I’d rather spend on something else. I was grumbling in my spirit because I wanted to do something I viewed as more important. Basically those menial tasks were beneath me.

I struggle with this all the time, with loosing my focus. Of spending my time doing what is most important, of finding delight and satisfaction in my duty… EVERYTHING else is extra… less important.

And it’s not just the kids and making waffles, or hanging out laundry, or being on my hands and knees cleaning the bathroom, or sweeping the floors for the third time today that get on my nerves, that I huff about or roll my eyes at.

It’s also about my husband. He is a good man…I mean a REALLY GOOD MAN, who works so hard and sometimes I grumble in my spirit about having to do things for him…most of which are un-spoken because he is not demanding at all. I have a tendency to put other things before him and that is wrong. I forget that God CREATED ME FOR HIM. I am his helper, I fill in all the gaps for him, I meet his needs, I am his detail person. And what shame I bring when I am not taking delight in my duty to him…making him my main priority.

Why do I get irritated when he wants to do something that I find trivial? Why do I feel inconvenienced when he or the kids need me for something? Why does the sticky floor gripe me, after-all I just mopped it?! AND…is it really time to cook more food? I just cleaned up from the last mess!

WHY?

Because of selfishness. Because of what I deem as more important than my duty to my family. Pride!

I’ve been asking God to remove the hay and stubble from my life. All those things that will bring no lasting fruit. All those things that I am not suppose to squander my time on. That is a painful and scary thing to ask God to do. The real question is, will I obey when He quickens my spirit like He did this morning? Will I give thanks for the waffle batter that is dripped on the cabinet and the child asking for more?

And for the record, I do not do all the cooking and cleaning around here, everyone helps. Training the kids to find delight in their duty can only be found if I express it myself!

Are you irritated, impatient as you clean up AGAIN? Ask yourself, why. Do you really have something more important to do?

Also posting at:

Training and Consistency are as Important as Food and Shelter

A friend of mine made the comment how her daughter did a through job when doing a certain household chore. This same daughter, who was ‘usually in her own little world’, is now taking her responsibilities more seriously.

This precious jewel is FIVE years old! Yes, even at five a child can do a good job cleaning the toilet… and many other things. But most children will never do this unless there are patient and loving parents to show them how, over and over again and you must work along side them if you want them to do a good job!

Sadly, most parents expect very little from their children; couple that with children being away from their parents for the majority of the day… for the majority of their childhood, and that leaves them untrained in basic household responsibilities.

We live in a skill deficient generation where a good work ethic is seriously lacking. For most kids life is too easy, they grow up believing that getting a good grade, a shelf full of trophies and a college degree will guarantee them the good life. Then they get a hard slap of reality and spend the rest of their life either making up for lost time learning what their parents neglected to teach them or they play the blame game and wallow in the Pit of State Dependence.

My point is, children are capable of so much if they are taught with a consistent and gentle spirit from a young age. In the life of a child, training and consistency are as necessary as food and shelter. Can you truly love your child if you do not feed them or give them a home to live in? Can you truly love your child if you cripple them in skills and attitude?

Our 3 year old is a great help around the house. Right now the most important thing is that she understands that she is part of the family and that she HAS to do her part, it’s not so much about efficiency as it is attitude! Her attitude has to be cheerful and helpful, no freeloaders here!

There is no doubt in my mind that daily chores are

an absolute must for raising responsible children.

Work is a good thing.

Work is a necessity for all of us.

What Chores at What Age

Make Them Remember

I use to do scrapbooking, now I just do Facebook. Someday I WILL get all my digital pictures into photo books.

When the children came to stay with us last January I had to throw together our curriculum rather quickly.

For our morning lessons I made each of us a binder with page protectors.

In the binder I put the words to the songs we were learning; each month we learn a new one.

I include our memory work (we started out with the 10 Commandments) and our catechism questions…

and a list of the 21 Rules for the House. These were really good in the beginning as the children had to get use to a new way of life. We now review them maybe once or twice a month.

Each month I add a new character trait, we go over this 2-3 times a week and review the previous traits once or twice a month.

All these things, the memory verses, the character traits, the 21 Rules, the catechism questions and the hymns are GREAT to have ready to use as copywork too!

And what binder would be complete without a chore chart?

For older kids it would be great to add a list of goals too!

But this is their favorite part:

In the back of the binder I let the kids scrapbook, which for them was just gluing pictures in. Remember, everything is in page protectors.

We are big picture-takers around here, so from day one we have LOTS of pictures… we’re kind of like first time parents again!

One thing I noticed quickly was something that I’ve noticed in my grown kids, they “remember” more based on the pictures in their scrapbooks than they do the actual memory it’s self.

The new kiddos are constantly going through their binders and studying the pictures, ‘remembering’ the day they came here, remembering when Olivia built fairy houses with them, remembering when we made cupcakes while it was storming outside, etc…

This forces them to think on the happy memories, to ‘remember’ the good times!

I’ve also used our binders to show our social worker and lawyers a little of what our life looks like. The kids LOVE showing them to everyone that comes to visit!

We are almost 7 months post the kid’s arrival and their binders are getting full.I hope to be able to start fresh binders at their 1 year mark and put these on the shelf as their keepsakes!

I also figured if they had to leave us they would have plenty of pictures to take with them…to remember their time with us.

In this age of everything being digital let’s be sure to give our kids some physical things to look at, to touch…to remember by!

Take LOTS of pictures, even of trivial things, make sure people are smiling…even laughing. They WILL remember these things, but you may have to help them. YOU are writing history… YOU are documenting it!