I received this question in response to yesterday’s post When Mother’s Day Hurts- Rebellious Children

Could you give examples of the difference between “lifestyle” and “sin”?

A friend of ours has a 22yo son who has completely walked away. He is going to college (they’re paying for it), comes home with his friends and smokes marijuana while mom does his laundry, his girlfriend lives in the dorm room with him, he won’t go to church, talks negatively about God, the pastoral staff, the believers in our church, etc.

The parents desperately want to “keep the door of relationship open,” and actually tell their 20yo other son (who is still walking in relationship with them and the Lord) that he shouldn’t talk to his brother about what he’s doing being sin.

Looks like sin to me. What is the “lifestyle” that you’re mentioning?

Sin

The Shorter Catechism (7.014)

Q. 14. What is sin? A. Sin is any want of conformity unto, or transgression of, the law of God. (Referenced: I John 3:4; James 4:17; Romans 3:23)

There are things that God said are transgressions  then there are man made transgressions.

For example; some people believe that drinking alcohol is a sin, when actually the Bible says drunkenness is the sin. Some people think smoking is a sin, it may be unwise, but it is not a sin.

There is sin and then there are house rules, and the head of the house makes the rules. If an adult child refuses to honor the rules then they may need to find some place else to live. It really depends how serious the head of the house is, how important are lines that have been drawn in the sand?

And let me be clear there is a HUGE difference in how we approach rebellion in a younger child and an adult child still at home.

Usually if you have too many rules that are not based Biblical principals the ‘child’ will choose to leave without the parent’s blessing. Being an adult, being your ‘own man’ is a GREAT thing, but it needs to be moved into with maturity and relationships in tact.

If you know that your adult child is having pre-marital sex (living with someone they are not married to), using drugs, involved in a homosexual relationship,  showing disrespect in your home, especially when you have younger children in the home, etc… I don’t see where you are helping them, are you not encouraging them on their road to destruction?

I’d rather loose the relationship over standing for what is right than loose a relationship over compromise.

Isn’t that what the Prodigal’s father did? The son left on his won terms. The father watched (prayed) and waited for his return.

We are to be kind, but also honest, loving but not enabling.

Lifestyle:

There are so many things that are really personal preference, and not sin.

If your adult child wants to attend a different church, that should be their choice.

Each family is different and house rules are different for everyone. There will be a lot of give and take.

What we expect from our adult children in our home:

• Respect – We can disagree and even argue, but there must be respect and in the end mom and dad have the final say.
• Do Your Part- EVERYONE has to do their part, that includes household/yard duties. The older you are the more that is expected of you.
• Pitch In- The adults all chip in on a portion of car insurance (family plan), Samaritans (family plan), cell phone (family plan), gym (family plan).  They pay for their own gas, their own clothes, eating out, entertainment, etc…
• Work – No slackers. Have a job. For our daughters we have never required for them to work outside the home, but because they have a good reputation and are willing to do what is needed, they have never lacked work.
• Be Involved – You need to be at the supper table as much as possible and spend time with the family.
• Be an Active Member of a Church- Doesn’t have to be our church, but a church.

Relationships are always messy. Every situation takes a lot of discernment.

Love covers a multitude of sins.

If you are seriously struggling, get counsel from someone wise in the Word.

Mother’s Day is not a joyous occasion for all moms. Many moms suffer heart ache. They long for what could have been or what should be.  Their heart’s desire is to have a happy family, to have their children grow and mature into their friend as they become adults.

I don’t know too many mothers that have not suffered heartache at the hand of a child.  I know personally how deep that pain is, I’m not sure if there is a deeper pain. It is as if your own flesh is attacking you.

I have endured many years with a rebellious child, actually two of them. At its  worst their rebellion sucks every bit of energy and joy from you. They drive you to the most agonizing tears and shake you to the core of everything you believe, even provoking you to want to give up.

I’ve been on the floor crying out asking God, “What did I do wrong?” to shaking my fist in anger at their rebellion asking, “How could they?”

It took me  very long time, but I learned the hard way that this battle is actually their battle with the Lord.

There is no perfect parent, just as there is no perfect child. A life in Christ is filled with humility, forgiveness and growth.

I learned that I was guilty of worshiping my children. I poured every bit of my energy, my worth as a mother into my kids, when actually I needed to be faithful to my duty as a mother in Christ, but whatever the outcome was/is GOD IS ENOUGH.  I needed to be able to find peace, and the only way I could do that was to draw into right fellowship with God, to remember HE IS MY GOD, that my works are nothing apart from Him.

I still have the duty to parent with all I’ve got, repenting and being parented myself by my Heavenly Father.  But my worth is found only in Christ.

Through the rebellion of my children I have learned so much about ME and my sin in the eyes of God. Oh, how great is His love toward us. He is just, but He is also full of mercy and forgiveness.

Let’s us be quick to remember that we all have a sin nature, even the littlest of babes. It needs to be trained and prayed for, for that bending of the knee before Christ, and that only happens in His timing…His circumstances. And before you shake your head at their sin and why they won’t stop that, how often do you fall back into your habits/sins that God must remind you of?

The Older Children

What is even harder, much more painful, is when your adult children choose to walk away. They walk away from you and many times away from God.

It hurts…deeply!

There are a few things to remember:

• Don’t Take It Personally

If you need to repent to restore a relationship then you do that. But if  they choose to walk away from a relationship with you, you have to let them, many times it is a spiritual battle and your righteous walk brings conviction to them.

• Don’t Enable Them

Do not bail them out of tight situations. The ways of the transgressor is hard. If they are unrepentant then you need to be hands off.  There may be times that you need to show compassion, but don’t be foolish about it.  There is a difference between physically enabling them and striving to keep some sort of a relationship with them.

For our family, the door is always open if you want to talk, but we will not help you financially or physically live in sin. Be sure that you know the difference between “sin” and “lifestyle”. Don’t draw a line in the sand over things that are not sin.

• Pray and Wait

The biggest thing is to pray, pray daily. Fast. Enlist others to pray, without gossip or disrespect. Then you wait. You draw close to God finding your peace and joy in Him alone. Ask God to take your blinders off and teach you what YOU need to learn through this trial.

• Be Ready to Forgive

There may be times of supposed repentance. Time will tell if it is real. Either way, you have to forgive, but forgiving is not trusting. Remember, trust and respect are earned.

• This Too Shall Pass

When you are in the thick of it you need to remember the big picture. This is all a part of your journey, as rough as the road may be. There WILL BE joy in the morning.  God WILL give you beauty for your ashes IF you are an empty vessel before him. He is the prefect parent!

Lastly, remember your other children and your husband. When grief is heavy they too are living in it’s shadow.  They not only experience the frustrations and heartache, but they also may feel neglected when the rebellious one has taken all of your time, energy and attention.