If you foster or adopt a baby you get to cuddle…and snuggle…and be all silly with them. They sleep a lot, which gives you time to just watch them and dream of their future; you have time to fall in love with them!
But when you take in an older child it is different, not necessarily bad, just different, and at times hard…very hard. Because no matter how great their disposition they will have to deal with feelings of abandonment, whether that abandonment happens by force or by choice.
Some come with gentle, teachable spirits and some come with heavy baggage and deep wounds, wounds that have not healed over into scars yet.
They come already per-programed with a worldview very different than yours and it takes A LOT of love, patience, creativity and consistency to re-program them,
to TEACH them what is good, pure, lovely and true!
Most of them have no idea what it is like to be a home with a mom AND a dad. They don’t know what stability is, or what reasonable rules are. They don’t understand strict boundaries with consistent consequences for the sake of what is for THEIR GOOD.
Some come from homes where drug use is a normal, everyday occurrence. Where the police are viewed as the bad guys who are out to get them…where young children are taught to run and hide and older children are taught to lie.
Some come from homes where violence is a way to resolve everything, where the one with the strongest fist wins. Where parents are so self-involved that they don’t even know what their children NEED. From homes where parents are either in so much pain themselves or so harden by sin that they really believe their way is the only way.
There are even children who come from situations where they are the caregiver for the adults; they bare the weight of being the parent and carry the burden of making sure everyone is fed and cared for. These children will lie to protect their parents while they are deprived of the simplicity and joys of childhood!
Many come from homes where foster care and government programs are a generational curse in their family. Their parents are convinced that they are nothing but a victim of circumstance while ingraining it into their children.
So what is the answer to this? How do we rescue these children who are being programed to embrace yet another generation of self-pity and rebellion?
How will they know there is something different?
I can tell you this, it won’t happen through a church program and it sure won’t happen through any government program. This is not something that can be done through committees and food stamps.
This rescuing can only be done through RELATIONSHIPS! And most of the time it will be relationships that take YEARS of blood, sweat and tears… years of sacrifice.
It will take…
people willing to get uncomfortable, willing to give up some of their privacy and their American Dream.
It will take people willing to be talked about, even by the people they love the most, even by your church family.
It will take making yourself vulnerable to people you do not trust and do not like, people who are often the workers of evil…because the child is worth the risk.
It will take the willingness to say, “Lord, I will be faithful to do what you ask me to do TODAY.” At the same time not fearful of tomorrow…after all who is promised tomorrow?
It will take teaching your children that are already in your home how to love…unconditionally! 2 weeks on a mission field in Africa is glamorous compared to months and years of 24/7 giving of themselves for the least of these. It is stuff like this that will show what your ‘birth’ children are really made of…this will bring out what is deep in their heart! I can promise you…you will be surprised! And you will be surprised what is really in your heart.
We live in a fallen world full of people that need the Good News, that need redemption. We are the feet and hands, we must be willing to serve if the Lord calls.
The world does not have the answer, WE DO!
I know that not everyone is able to bring an orphan, a needy child into their home, but everyone can be supportive in someway.
Prayer -
Interceding on the behalf of the orphan and the caregiver is the greatest way to minister to the orphan.
- Pray that physical needs are met.
- Pray for bonding.
- Pray that their souls will be redeemed and their spirit will receive healing!
Encouragement-
Simply take interest in lives of the children being cared for. They need to see and hear Christianity in action! Don’t treat them like a ‘mission project’, treat them like family…the family you love.
Ask the caregiver how everyone is doing, find words to encourage, you have no idea how far a kind word goes.
Assisting Financially and Practically -
Be creative in how to help practically. Offer to help buy school books, pay for music or art lessons or even give lessons!
How many of us can make room at our table for one more?
If even half of the Christians would care for an orphan, either by adding them to their family, or in some other way, there would be fewer orphans, and I believe there would be stronger families (thanks to sanctification) and in-turn stronger churches. THEN the Church would be impacting the culture. It is not about youth groups and mission teams… it’s about families being real!
We can not leave it up to the heathens or the State to meet the needs of the orphan, they do not have The Answer!
I have so much more to say on this subject, but I ask you today to just pray. Ask the Lord if there is an orphan, or even a sibling group of orphans that could benefit from what you have to offer.
Orphan care is not easy and it is not glamorous, but then again, neither was the cross.
Love never divides, it always multiples.
“Religion that is pure and undefiled before God,
the Father, is this:
to visit orphans and widows in their affliction,
and to keep oneself unstained from the world.”
James 1:27
Dana S. says:
I’ll have to give this a big “AMEN”!
One thing I’ll add that people can do that will help is to be willing to do things for the foster children that you’d do for any biological (or already adopted) children. Go to birthday parties, go to their dance recitals, have baby showers for them (even if the children aren’t babies!). Adopted children are real children, too!
Kathy says:
I agree!
heather wilson says:
We are praying to be able to get enrolled in foster care classes (we have already done them in VA but moved before we got to do it) here in MD. We want to foster to adopt. I have always since I was real young wanted to adopt from here in the US. I have been blessed to watch, pray for, love on and bring food to 2 families from our church in VA who did foster to adopt. It was awesome to watch our whole church family celebrate at adoption parties. This was such a blessing to be able to read tonight. Thank you.
Kathy says:
Thank you for sharing that Heather! Keep us updated!!!
Rebecca says:
Thank you for covering this beautiful — and difficult- topic. There are two other similar opportunities in addition to the ones you mentioned. We have housed children who are still living in troubled homes for evenings, weekends, and vacation weeks. We met and grew to love the families through church outreach programs. Typically in those homes one parent is on drugs or troubled and the other is trying to hold things together the best they can. The second is a state program that places children into an “emergency” foster home until more permanent arrangements can be made. They are often in the home less than 72 hours. Again, thank you for a timely and needful article that pierced my heart!
Dana S. says:
Rebecca’s comment reminds me that there is yet another opportunity to help in addition to those that have been mentioned.
In Indiana, and most likely in other states, families are needed for Respite Care. Respite Care is used when a foster family needs a break or is taking a trip to another state (foster children can’t go into another state without a lot of planning and paperwork beforehand) where the children cannot go. Sometimes it’s for one day, and it may be for a week or more.
In Indiana, to provide Respite Care you must be take the same classes as foster parents and be licensed by the state. Respite families are not paid by the state, but by the individual families where the children are originally placed. So, as a respite provider, you can “charge” what the state pays the foster family (which is the norm) or nothing at all.
When we were foster parents, we only used Respite Care for one three-day weekend when we were invited to a conference out of state and the toddler could not go. Honestly, it was a lovely change of scenery for us. We were able to be “off” and re-group, so to speak. We came back being better parents to the little one who was only with us for about 8 more weeks.
Consider Respite Care (or whatever it is called where you live). Area foster parents will love you for it.
By the way, when a caseworker calls and asks if you are available for a certain time, you can always say no. You can also say that you can only take children of a certain age, or with/without certain problems. You are never pressured to do respite care for any child with whom you’d not be comfortable.
Jamie says:
Amen to all the above! We have our 3 1/2 yr old, & 2 yr old, great neice & nephew, as well as our 2 youngest birth children (14 & 15) still @ home. Our great niece, who is now our adopted daughter, was severely abused as an infant. We have no family close by, and it is HARD to find a sitter (and the funds to pay one) even for an afternoon, so that we can take our older teens to a movie, or just to spend time paying attention to just them. Toddlers tend to dominate a household, especially when there are two of them! A little help goes a long way, & is REALLY appreciated! Definitely, pray for the family, as it is exhausting, and can also be a real financial strain, especially when you’re retired, as we are.
HveHope says:
Kathy,
Much love to you and gratitude to the calling you have been given in helping us mold the characters of our ‘arrows’!! (remember that when the comment list is blank - o.k.?)
Just a note to tell you that I am sending the address of this post to several friends who are in the midst of caring for orphans as an encouragement. You are spot-on for this topic!
love, HveHope
p.s. Sometimes I want to comment but just don’t have the time/energy to and I’m sure there are others like that. So, when you see that there are zero comments to a post, don’t assume that readers are not interested or affected!
Anne says:
Beautiful! Can you offer some child-training (or child-loving) tips from the trenches on parenting these traumatized little ones?
We’re you allowed to homeschool while they were in state custody?
Are their birth families still in their lives on some level? Bis that ok? If not, do they miss and long for their birth families?
I hope this doesn’t come across as nosy. I’m praying through some of these issues.
Thank you for your gifts to all of us, I love your blog and Pinterest.
Kathy says:
Anne, We are extremely blessed that our kids have cheerful, grateful dispositions. We were allowed to homeschool because their birth mother placed then with us, with the State’s consent. The children do not know their birth fathers. Their birth mother is in jail that this time. They have no other family that is interested in them.
Do they long for their birth mother? No. They cried for her occasionally the first few months, mainly out of frustration I think. They were bounced around a lot, so I really think they are grateful for a normal, stable life. We are at 2 years now since they came. They NEVER ask for her and rarely mention her or their old life.
They are very happy children. They have normal kid issues, but seriously, God has given them an ability to adapt and they are learning to trust.