This is National Adoption Month. The purpose is to raise awareness of the orphans in the world. This is a good thing. We need to be aware of the needs around us. Although I will say for the Christian there should not need to be an awareness month, we should always be looking for ways to care for the least of these around us, the orphan, the widow and the stranger.
We are coming up on 4 years as an adoptive family. We have learned so much about our ugly selves and God’s grace. We’ve also seen and talked with a lot of adoptive families. By no means do I think everyone should adopt. IT IS NOT FOR EVERYONE, but I do think more people should consider it than do. American Christians are way too comfortable, and that is sad for them, the orphan and the Kingdom.
I can give you dozens of reason to adopt (I love adoption and would love to do it again!!!), but today I want to talk about why not to. The following are a few observations from the last few years as to why not to adopt, and a few things we’ve learned first hand.
Why Many Do Adopt
- Because we want a baby.
Most of us desire to have children, it is part of our design from our Creator. For whatever reason many of us can not bare children. So we look at other options to make it happen, adoption being one of them.
- Because we want to rescue a child.
The desire to do good in the world is also a part of our design from our Creator. We may see this as caring for the least of these as Scripture commands. Our “good works” can be that of rescuing a child.
- Because other people doing it.
We may see families around us adopting and think we should too. We may even see adoptive families on social media showing how wonderful their life is because of adoption and think that is for us too.
The same reasons to not adopt are the same
reasons not to birth children.
Children are not our accessory.
Why Not to Adopt
Motives
Notice the above reasons. They are good reasons, but they can also be very selfish reasons without us realizing it.
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4
1.Wanting a baby to complete our family is never a good reason to adopt a baby. We are complete in Christ alone. Children or no children our family can be complete as long as we are doing what He has called us to. Adopting or birthing a baby/child to make us complete is selfish.
I am 50 and the mother of 8 children (1 step, 4 birthed (1 who is in heaven) and 3 adopted), and I still have a desire for more children. I think that desire is just a part of me and may be fulfilled through grandchildren and spiritual children, all who are equally as important.
2. Rescuing a child is a noble thing to do, but we are not the One who rescues. When we approach adoption with the mindset that we are rescuing them it is easy to fall into the trap that they own us something, especially gratitude. Resentment can easily sneak in when we don’t start with pure motives. Most adoptive children will struggle, some more than others no matter what we do.
For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. James 3:16
3. Unspoken pressure to adopt can happen when we see other families adopting and we begin to feel like we are not doing enough. Families that adopt often congregate together, which can make those that don’t adopt feel like they are slacking. Nothing can be further from the truth. There are many ways to care for the least of these - young and elderly. It can be a listening ear, occasional anonymous financial gifts, dental bills, music lessons, PRAYER , words of encouragement and so on. We all fit into the commission of loving our neighbor in different ways.
If You are Going to Adopt
Pray and ask God to search your heart. Is it truly what God is calling YOU to? And I hope it is!!! Are you willing to do this even if the child resents you and is ungrateful? Even birthed children fall into this. Are you willing to give your last dollar and every spare moment without resentment?
Never, ever adopt unless you and your spouse are 100% on the same page. Adoption can be very stressful on a marriage and if your spouse is going along with it just to make you happy you - will have some major issues down the road. You BOTH have to want it with pure motives.
Educate yourself! Read books about attachment. Talk with people who have adopted. Get the raw truth so you will be equipped for the child’s sake but more so for your sake. It’s a tough road but it can be a glorious one!
Surround yourself with support! Be sure to have people close enough to you who will understand and be a sounding board for you. You WILL NEED advice and listening ears.
It is also helpful for your children to be around other children who were adopted. They NEED to know adoption is a gift of God and that they were not cast off and abandoned because they were not good enough.
God can and often grows our selfish motives into pure motives.
It didn’t take me long to figure out that God was not only using the adoption of our 3 youngest to make their life better but to SANCTIFY US! He is constantly purging selfishness from us. I tell people that God used these kids to rescue us, not us them!
It’s hard to remember life before they came. The bonding continues as our love for them and their love and TRUST for us grows. Olivia took this picture Sunday at church. It has to be one of my all time favorites!
Emma took her babies and my 3 shopping.
Then Olivia ad Emma took all the children to the beach for a few days! It was the first time Jeff and I were aloe for a weekend in 4-5 years!
When you have older children that also understand the gift and responsibility of raising a family it is a double blessing! We are our village! 😉
As for us, I can not imagine our family without our 3 youngest.
I can’t believe God chose US for them!
Heather Smith says:
Beautiful!
Jill B says:
Great post, Kathy! I agree with you 100%, especially #2 about rescuing a child. We’ve adopted 3 children with special needs internationally, the oldest from a mental institution. It is SO easy to fall into that mentality. I think education ahead of time is great too, but talking to adoptive parents who are willing to give it to you “real” is so important (and not the ones that have had “rainbows and ponies” type adoptions either - if there is such a thing). It’s easy to read a book on RAD and think your child will never be like that… A support system is crucial too. After 5 years, we are still working on that. Thanks again for sharing this and your heart!
Natalie says:
Thank you for this posting. I’ve always wanted to adopt, but my husband has been a little against it. We have 6 children, and our eldest just got married. My husband says to wait for the grandchildren. Our youngest is 3, and he said at least to wait until all our children are grown. I loved your post because it reaffirms that my husband is correct 😉