If You Have More Hurt Than Happiness on Mother’s Day

It’s been funny watching my little kids try to secretly make plans for Mother’s Day. After all they have been through I am so grateful their hearts are still tender and willing to love. This is our third Mother’s Day together.

The thing I can’t get them to understand is that all I really want is for all my family, big kids and little kids, to be gathered around my table to eat… drink… and laugh! There really is little more that I desire than to be with my family and enjoy being together… to walk in harmony together. That most likely won’t happen this year as there are still some struggles… BUT I am blessed beyond measure and I WILL enjoy the goodness of the Lord.

I have a feeling there are probably more mothers who feel hurt rather than happiness on Mother’s Day.

If you are one of those, one whose heart is aching from rebellion or regret I have some encouragement for you.

Today I posted over at Raising Homemakers about Motherhood and Regrets. Who doesn’t have regrets?

Here is a post I wrote last year about When Mother’s Day Hurts - Rebellious Children

Here is a wonderful video from my best friend Kelly of a presentation she did recently at a conference. She shares openly about her struggles and what she has learned When Motherhood Feels Too Hard. Be encouraged!

And if you are a mom struggling with the grief of death here is a post for you. May you find some peace and comfort from our Father.

The Difference Between Lifestyle and Sin

The Difference Between “Lifestyle” and “Sin”

I received this question in response to yesterday’s post When Mother’s Day Hurts- Rebellious Children

Could you give examples of the difference between “lifestyle” and “sin”?

A friend of ours has a 22yo son who has completely walked away. He is going to college (they’re paying for it), comes home with his friends and smokes marijuana while mom does his laundry, his girlfriend lives in the dorm room with him, he won’t go to church, talks negatively about God, the pastoral staff, the believers in our church, etc.

The parents desperately want to “keep the door of relationship open,” and actually tell their 20yo other son (who is still walking in relationship with them and the Lord) that he shouldn’t talk to his brother about what he’s doing being sin.

Looks like sin to me. What is the “lifestyle” that you’re mentioning?

Sin

The Shorter Catechism (7.014)

Q. 14. What is sin? A. Sin is any want of conformity unto, or transgression of, the law of God. (Referenced: I John 3:4; James 4:17; Romans 3:23)

There are things that God said are transgressions then there are man made transgressions.

For example; some people believe that drinking alcohol is a sin, when actually the Bible says drunkenness is the sin. Some people think smoking is a sin, it may be unwise, but it is not a sin.

There is sin and then there are house rules, and the head of the house makes the rules. If an adult child refuses to honor the rules then they may need to find some place else to live. It really depends how serious the head of the house is, how important are lines that have been drawn in the sand?

And let me be clear there is a HUGE difference in how we approach rebellion in a younger child and an adult child still at home.

Usually if you have too many rules that are not based Biblical principals the ‘child’ will choose to leave without the parent’s blessing. Being an adult, being your ‘own man’ is a GREAT thing, but it needs to be moved into with maturity and relationships in tact.

If you know that your adult child is having pre-marital sex (living with someone they are not married to), using drugs, involved in a homosexual relationship, showing disrespect in your home, especially when you have younger children in the home, etc… I don’t see where you are helping them, are you not encouraging them on their road to destruction?

I’d rather loose the relationship over standing for what is right than loose a relationship over compromise.

Isn’t that what the Prodigal’s father did? The son left on his won terms. The father watched (prayed) and waited for his return.

We are to be kind, but also honest, loving but not enabling.

Lifestyle:

There are so many things that are really personal preference, and not sin.

If your adult child wants to attend a different church, that should be their choice.

Each family is different and house rules are different for everyone. There will be a lot of give and take.

What we expect from our adult children in our home:

Respect - We can disagree and even argue, but there must be respect and in the end mom and dad have the final say.
Do Your Part- EVERYONE has to do their part, that includes household/yard duties. The older you are the more that is expected of you.
Pitch In- The adults all chip in on a portion of car insurance (family plan), Samaritans (family plan), cell phone (family plan), gym (family plan). They pay for their own gas, their own clothes, eating out, entertainment, etc…
Work - No slackers. Have a job. For our daughters we have never required for them to work outside the home, but because they have a good reputation and are willing to do what is needed, they have never lacked work.
Be Involved - You need to be at the supper table as much as possible and spend time with the family.
Be an Active Member of a Church- Doesn’t have to be our church, but a church.

Relationships are always messy. Every situation takes a lot of discernment.

Love covers a multitude of sins.

If you are seriously struggling, get counsel from someone wise in the Word.

When Mother’s Day Hurts - Rebellious Children

Mother’s Day is not a joyous occasion for all moms. Many moms suffer heart ache. They long for what could have been or what should be. Their heart’s desire is to have a happy family, to have their children grow and mature into their friend as they become adults.

I don’t know too many mothers that have not suffered heartache at the hand of a child. I know personally how deep that pain is, I’m not sure if there is a deeper pain. It is as if your own flesh is attacking you.

I have endured many years with a rebellious child, actually two of them. At its worst their rebellion sucks every bit of energy and joy from you. They drive you to the most agonizing tears and shake you to the core of everything you believe, even provoking you to want to give up.

I’ve been on the floor crying out asking God, “What did I do wrong?” to shaking my fist in anger at their rebellion asking, “How could they?”

It took me very long time, but I learned the hard way that this battle is actually their battle with the Lord.

There is no perfect parent, just as there is no perfect child. A life in Christ is filled with humility, forgiveness and growth.

I learned that I was guilty of worshiping my children. I poured every bit of my energy, my worth as a mother into my kids, when actually I needed to be faithful to my duty as a mother in Christ, but whatever the outcome was/is GOD IS ENOUGH. I needed to be able to find peace, and the only way I could do that was to draw into right fellowship with God, to remember HE IS MY GOD, that my works are nothing apart from Him.

I still have the duty to parent with all I’ve got, repenting and being parented myself by my Heavenly Father. But my worth is found only in Christ.

Through the rebellion of my children I have learned so much about ME and my sin in the eyes of God. Oh, how great is His love toward us. He is just, but He is also full of mercy and forgiveness.

Let’s us be quick to remember that we all have a sin nature, even the littlest of babes. It needs to be trained and prayed for, for that bending of the knee before Christ, and that only happens in His timing…His circumstances. And before you shake your head at their sin and why they won’t stop that, how often do you fall back into your habits/sins that God must remind you of?

The Older Children

What is even harder, much more painful, is when your adult children choose to walk away. They walk away from you and many times away from God.

It hurts…deeply!

There are a few things to remember:

Don’t Take It Personally

If you need to repent to restore a relationship then you do that. But if they choose to walk away from a relationship with you, you have to let them, many times it is a spiritual battle and your righteous walk brings conviction to them.

Don’t Enable Them

Do not bail them out of tight situations. The ways of the transgressor is hard. If they are unrepentant then you need to be hands off. There may be times that you need to show compassion, but don’t be foolish about it. There is a difference between physically enabling them and striving to keep some sort of a relationship with them.

For our family, the door is always open if you want to talk, but we will not help you financially or physically live in sin. Be sure that you know the difference between “sin” and “lifestyle”. Don’t draw a line in the sand over things that are not sin.

Pray and Wait

The biggest thing is to pray, pray daily. Fast. Enlist others to pray, without gossip or disrespect. Then you wait. You draw close to God finding your peace and joy in Him alone. Ask God to take your blinders off and teach you what YOU need to learn through this trial.

Be Ready to Forgive

There may be times of supposed repentance. Time will tell if it is real. Either way, you have to forgive, but forgiving is not trusting. Remember, trust and respect are earned.

This Too Shall Pass

When you are in the thick of it you need to remember the big picture. This is all a part of your journey, as rough as the road may be. There WILL BE joy in the morning. God WILL give you beauty for your ashes IF you are an empty vessel before him. He is the prefect parent!

Lastly, remember your other children and your husband. When grief is heavy they too are living in it’s shadow. They not only experience the frustrations and heartache, but they also may feel neglected when the rebellious one has taken all of your time, energy and attention.

The Difference Between Lifestyle and Sin

My Favorite Christmas Memory -2011

As I told you yesterday we had a really nice Christmas weekend. For those of you that have been here a while you know that life here is not perfect. We’ve experienced rebellion and our son leaving home on not-so-good terms at 18. I don’t want to share the details of this publicly because it is also his story and when he is ready to talk about, if ever, then WE may share it.

It has been 5-6 hard years, although the last year or so relationships have improved greatly. I know personally that I have learned so much about myself and about God. I have had moments of utter desperation and hopelessness. I’ve had moments of pain that were deeper than when our daughter died. I know what it is like to wake up Christmas morning (and all the other mornings) missing someone you love so very much.

I use to be a formula mom. I use to think if I did A, B and C, everything would turn out OK. I thought our kids would grow up, turn out OK and we’d be one big happy family. The Lord has taught me so much about my pride, my lack of faith and that there is no formula. We are all dependent on God’s grace.

Anyway… fast forward to this Christmas.

Christmas morning Jeff gave the kids (OK, they are grown but they are still our kids 17, 21, 23) a letter he had written each of them. After our breakfast all three of them were on the couch together, this was unplanned. They all opened their letters at the same time, again, unplanned. I think Jeff’s plan was for them to read them later. Olivia also wrote us letters that will be tucked away with the keepsakes.

Jeff sat in his recliner. My man, who is not the best communicator and eloquent words do not come easily for him, poured his heart out to each of his kids in a simple letter. My strong man who has such a tender heart teared up as they read. It was one of those moments that you know ‘something special’ is happening.

Then all 3 of them began to tear up. One by one they got up and went to him crying and hugging. It was beautiful. Other than our relationship with Christ, THIS is the most important thing to me! Sincere love and peace between all of us, being together, working through issues; this is it! I don’t care how big our house is, what kind of car we drive, or what gifts were under the tree, I just want a good and righteous relationship with with my family!

I hope that if my memories disappear with age that God will allow me to keep this one. The love that overflowed that Christmas morning.

You don’t realize what you have until you don’t have it.

We still have lots of issues with each other…but I think that is just real life!

We’re just a bunch of sinful humans that are learning how to love our neighbors!!!

If you are struggling with difficult relationships with older kids:

Hang in there.
Be sure the lines you are drawing are Biblically drawn.
Pray and wait…pray and wait…pray and wait…
Repent if you need to.
Embrace the lessons God is teaching YOU.
If their rebellion is against God’s commands, then YOU can not take it personally. This was a big lesson for me.
Be ready to forgive and never hold a grudge.
As much as I HATE to hear it, and I hate saying it, often it takes time and maturity for them to come full circle. Remember, if they belong to God, He loves them more than you do and His will will be done!

A Great Book for Parenting Teens

Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens

Here is an excellent resource for parenting teens.

You can get it for under $3 (plus shipping) at Amazon.

Shepherding a Child’s Heart

This one is great if you are trying to win the heart of a younger child.

Teens and Low Expectations?

This weekend our girls attended the Rebelution Conference put on by Alex and Brett Harris, the authors of Do Hard Things.

The Rebelution is all about encouraging teens to rebel against low expectations. I believe that our culture has lowered the standard so much that we actually expect very little from our young people, not just academically, but also morally. What we expect from them concerning character, manners and skills is at an all time low. There are several reasons why we have come to this place, which you can read about in the book .

Think about the typical teenager of today, then think about the teenager of just 100-200 years ago:

George Washington - Official surveyor for Culpeper County at age 17.

David Farragut - Commanded a ship at age 12.

Clara Barton - Caring for smallpox patients and teaching in a classroom at age 17.

Laura Inglas Wilder - Received her teaching certificate and started teaching at age 15.

The word "teenager" wasn’t even used until 1941. In the Bible you are either considered a child or an adult.

We have got to live counter-culture. We have got to raise the bar of what we expect from our kids. Parents, make it your purpose to equip your children with what they need to do the hard things; academically, morally, and physically (practical skills)! It is our responsibility to make sure our children are trained, and to expect them to step up to the task. Remember we are raising up adults. Where are you investing your money and time to train up these young people?

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young,

but set an example for the believers

in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

1 Timothy 4:12

Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations

Parents of Prodigals -Parenting By Prayer

When I refer to a "child" in this post I am referring to older teens or adult children.

There are many parents that have raised their in kids in Godly homes, parents that have walked the talk (imperfectly), not just talk the talk, and yet some still have "issues" with a child and sometimes more than one child.

In some families all of the children turn out to be responsible and kind, loving the Lord with all their heart and having strong character; with the exception of one child.

This situation causes parents to search for answers, wondering what they did wrong. In desperation it pushes parents to do all they can to fix the situation by manipulating circumstances, thinking that if the surroundings were only different their child would step up to the plate and do the right thing.

Parents will grieve deeply as they watch the hopes and dreams for their child fade away and die as their child rejects what they have been taught. Not the dreams of a career, but the dreams of making the world a better place by walking in righteousness. For the parents it is like living in a state of grief, day after day, month after month, year after year.

Most parents do all they can to help their children become successful adults. When there is rebellion or even a long line of making bad choices and then not taking responsibility for those choices it breaks a parent’s heart. We all make mistakes and fail, but it is important that we learn from those mistakes and more forward, not repeating the same stupidity over and over.

There is no guarantee that you’ll raise great kids. There is no formula or program that has all the answers, but that does not excuse parents from the responsibility of giving it their all, of doing the right thing regardless of how things are at the moment. It is a good thing to read parenting books that apply Godly principals. It is a good thing to get wisdom from older parents, but be careful of your sources, and remember that each family is different and that each child is different. The important thing is not to violate Biblical commands and principles.

How do I know this? Been there, done that…still sort-of there…and I do NOT want a t-shirt!!! This is not a place I want to be, but it does not change the fact I am there, so I, we as a family, are hanging on as we walk this rough road.

Parenting is tough, parenting while walking the straight and narrow path is even tougher! You have got to get to the point that you know that EVERYTHING is by God’s grace. Yes, there has to be love, hard work, dedication and perseverance on our part, but in the end it is all God’s grace.

We are still on this journey and stumbling around as we wait on God’s mercy, but that does not excuse our responsibility of PRESSING ON, pressing on the straight and narrow.

As parents we have got to be faithful even when it seems that every thing is out of control…PRESS ON! When the child does not like you…PRESS ON! When they want to manipulate you by cutting off communication and emotions…PRESS ON! Your actions, your way of life can not be based on their choices.

If you have examined your heart and motives, and sought out wise console and it appears that you have done all you can…then PRESS ON! Keep doing the right thing, remembering that God’s timing is perfect.

A badly behaving child, a rebellious teen or a prodigal adult son or daughter, does not give us an excuse to give up, which in God’s eyes would be "our rebellion". It does not give us a reason to become bitter and doubt God’s sovereignty.

Christian parents of wayward children must remember that it is God whom we are to seek to please. If a child chooses the wide path that leads to destruction, then that is even more of a reason to PRESS ON!

Press on in prayer because this battle is not against flesh and blood, even though it is the parents that catch the brunt of the anger, our battle is a spiritual one. It is one that is won by living a life of faithfulness to God, not to our children. Being a faithful parent is a byproduct of being a faithful Christan.

Parents of Prodigals:

~Repent on issues you need to (NONE of us can parent perfectly). Repent to God and seek forgiveness form your child if need be. Be sure your issues of conflict are not simply preferences, but issues of truly violating God’s commands. This is why it is important to get wise console. If it is issues of preference shower them with grace!!!

~Read Proverbs Daily! Loving a prodigal is HARD! Knowing what to do and not to do is HARD! The Proverbs are so practical in day to day life.

~Parent by Prayer! Little of what we say to our child is heard, but God is the one that will open the ears and soften the heart. God will orchestrate the surroundings and circumstances in ways we never could. Speak less, pray more.

~Love them but do not support them. It is a very difficult balance to love them unconditionally, yet not support their bad choices. You have to stand by and let them suffer their consequences, which is heart wrenching for parents, especially mothers. We cannot come to their rescue, because it is God they need. Constantly reassure them of your love and your willingness to be there for them, but don’t interfere with what God is working in them.

~Know that it is God we worship, not our children nor our parenting skills.

In the end, each of us has to take the responsibility for our own actions, this applies to our children too! We cannot blame our parents for our failures or weaknesses (just because your father was a thief does not give you the excuse to steal), nor can we take the glory when things go well.

One last note. Be VERY careful who you classify as a prodigal. Prodigals are those who reject God and leave it all behind as they try to cut all ties.

There is a difference between prodigals and people who are really wrestling with God and learning for themselves just who He is, and just what IS truth. There comes a point in their lives when they begin their own journey (spiritually) and it is between them and God. This journey usually begins way before they leave home as we slowly let go of their hand and they learn to walk on their own. Let them fall and let God be the one to lift them up, even if it takes years of hard knocks. In the meantime you stand firm where you are and parent by prayer while God continues to take YOU on YOUR journey of faith! While He is teaching your child, He is also teaching you!

We live by faith, not by sight.

2 Corinthians 5:7