What if You Have a Lazy Husband? Or Wife?

October 5, 2009

I received this e-mail from a brokenhearted mom. Unfortunately, her problem is a common one. I always hesitate to advise in these situations because I’m only hearing one side. So let’s look at her situation from her point of view.

She writes:

 I agree with your comments about teaching your children worthwhile skills, teaching responsibility, and giving them the ability to be able to help others, and to value relationships.  I have a problem/question.  My husband thinks that relationship is all that matters, specifically his relationship with our children.  Thus, he does not see a value in teaching our children anything, no life skills, no responsibility, no consistency, nothing.  He just wants them to like and love him – doesn’t really matter if they love anyone else. He just wants to "have fun" and be entertained all the time.  So when I say that it’s important that our kids be able to think for themselves, work hard, do their best, be responsible, take joy in helping others, etc…I am "mean" because I do have some expectations of them.  They know that they do not really have to listen to any instructions that I give them, even simple ones like "clean up your room" because my husband does not enforce any rules (even the ones that he makes).

I am ready to give up.  My heart is crushed and broken every day because I see that our children are not much different (if at all) from worldly, non-Christians.  I don’t want them to grow up to be lazy and without purpose and have a life ambition to come home from work and watch the television every night until bedtime.  I feel like my husband is the pied piper leading our children on a road to meaninglessness (is that a word?) and ultimately destruction.  Honestly, I don’t like speaking about my husband this way, even if it is true.  How I wish that things were different for my family.

I don’t know what to do!  Can you please offer any words of advice?

 

My response to her:

 

Thank you for writing. I hear the hurt and longing in your e-mail. I will do my best to answer you but I always tread carefully on this topic. Not the topic of the children working and being responsible, but the one of a husband and a wife having different world views. This is a very common problem.

 

Because you are Christians I must address the issue that you need to be in submission to your husband, which is not easy if your husband is not taking his responsibility seriously. If that is the case, you still have the responsibility to honor your husband.  I’m not saying you don’t, I’m just making that clear right off the bat!

 

First let me say, there is no ideal marriage, no two parents agree on everything, in fact, probably not even close. Do not compare yourself with other couples or families. Each family has their own set of obstacles to overcome and sin natures to deal with. Don’t ever think any family has it all together, because they don’t. As children grow, their needs and personalities change; the parents also change. Once you think you have it all figured out, someone, either your spouse or one of your kids will throw you a curve ball from left field and you’ll have to re-visit your thinking! This is life! )

 

Second, it is more important that you exhibit the kind of conduct you want your children have, than it is to demand everyone ‘do the right thing’! If you are angry with their Dad it probably shows, even if you don’t say a word. This bitterness will cause more damage to your family than your husband’s negligence. He does have a responsibility here, but you cannot make someone, especially a husband, be something he has no desire to be. So your focus needs to be pro-active; what can YOU do? 

 

As much as I hesitate to say this, but if your husband is not going to do his part, then you will have to resist the burning urge to nag, pout, guilt, manipulate, push, or prod him into being a strong leader. The more we women do that, the more we tear down our relationship with our husband and thus ruin our marriage. And not only are we hurting our marriage, but we are influencing the future marriages of our children. 

 

So…love your husband the way he is (I know it is hard!). Look for ways to build him up in front of your children. Show him honor and respect, even if he does not deserve it at the time. Almost always, showing the respect that men need will be the beginning of turning their heart.   

 

Teachable Moments

 

Start with God’s Word!

 

~Find or create lessons around God’s commands and principles to work and be responsible.

 

~Study the verses on this topic. Find ways to work them into your everyday conversations with your children.

 

~Remind them what pleases God, because if your husband is not going to lead in that direction, you will need to LIVE IT, and pray that the Holy Spirit will open their hearts to the truth.

 

~Place scripture in pretty frames around your house to be a reminder to the kids.

 

~Choose memory verses that are work related that they can receive a reward for learning.

 

~Ask your children what these verses mean, don’t just always be telling them, but cause them to think about it!

 

~Pray for practical ways to get the Word into their hearts.

 

~Humbly point to examples (without being judgmental and tearing people down) of how slothfulness caused a situation. 

 

 

Pray, pray, pray!

 

Pray for opportunities to teach a good work ethic. Pray for the hearts of your husband and children. This will bear more fruit than becoming bitter. Trust that God is faithful. This is a tough task, but through God’s grace you can do it! What is it that He wants YOU to learn through this?

 

This is a tough battle, but it is one worth fighting. The key is to remember it is not your husband that you are fighting, but rather a spirit of laziness, and only God can change that!  

 

Topics: From Our Mail Bag, Responsibility, Teaching Them Well | 9 Comments »